Part 3: Confrontations

Confronting “A Man of God”: The Truth Behind the Mask

The day we took her home from the hospital, lead to the night where we would confront her dad. My middle daughter called us shortly after we arrived home to tell us we needed to meet and address the accusation. A discussion followed on how to proceed. She was worried about it becoming an argument and emotional. I gave my word that I would not argue. We set up a plan with her on the approach and headed out the door to her house.

We arrived and went down stairs to his apartment. He lives in the basement apartment of my middle daughter’s house. We sat at the table. He seemed a bit surprised that we were there. I began by telling the story of the events of the day that changed our lives. I described in detail our phone calls, our discovery of my daughter laying on the ground with cuts on her arms, the arrival of medical and police help, the emergency room, the hospitalization, and the diagnosis. As I spoke, I cried and I looked only down at the table. I could not look at anyone else, especially not at him. When I finished, my son in-law spoke and started with “You have always said you are a truthful man and a man of God.” He then told him of the allegation. I looked at her dad as he sat there with no emotion. He had said, “No, I have not touched any of the girls.” His whole response became self-focused and no emotion. Not once did he become angry and want to know who did this to her. Not once did he ask if she was okay and how we could help her. When my middle daughter told him that because of the allegations, he would not be left alone with her children, he quickly agreed and did not put up any kind of fight. She also told him that he needed to tell the woman he had just become engaged to as she had children (grown up and not living at home). My husband told him he was to have nothing to do with my daughter–no contact and to sign over the car to her. He agreed and said he would have the title by the middle of the next week. No emotion. No rage. No questions. Nothing. We quietly stood and left.

My husband remained quiet in the car. I finally asked what he thought about the situation. He said he was so angry he could not speak. He had held out a small thread of belief that her dad was not the correct perpetrator, but after this confrontation, that thread broke and no doubt existed–the man was guilty. The basis of his belief on the guilt of her dad was not solely on feelings; it was also grounded in his background of working with developmentally disabled adults for 20 years and youths in residential treatment. We discussed it as emotions raced from hurt and sorrow to anger and disbelief that someone could be so calm when accused. We discussed her dad’s self focused attitude. We drove home and cried some more.

We found out that they took it to their congregation the next night after bible class. We heard that my middle daughter received support and so did her dad. Nothing else was said at this point. We both wondered if anyone would believe her. They all knew her for she attended and was a part of this congregation after her dad and I separated. I had encouraged her to make up her own mind about the church of Christ and to be sure of her choices. She had grown up attending the church of Christ and I wanted to be sure her decision to stay or leave was hers and not one of pressure from either of her parents. However, after hearing how bad her mother was for leaving her dad and the church, along with the sermon from the preacher about how everyone who died in 9-11 was a sinner and not going to heaven, she made up her mind and left. So how could I expect them to believe her and not him?

On Thursday of that week, we found ourselves back at work and had a meeting set up with my oldest daughter. After work, we grabbed a bite to eat and drove to her house where my middle daughter was meeting with us. Again, I told the story of that night, the hospitalization etc. and my middle daughter told her sister of the accusation. I then told them both of our belief in his guilt and some of the signs that proved beyond a doubt to me that he was guilty. We left and let them talk it over. Things afterwards seemed fine and we felt supported. Then the other shoe dropped.

It was the next Sunday when we met with her dad to get the title to her car. He had stalled all week about the title. He asked us to meet him in front of store that was halfway between where we both lived. We arrived and he was not there. We bought a coffee and waited some more. He arrived and made a joking apology for being late. He was acting all friendly like nothing every happened. He gave us the title and then my husband began speaking to him about the accusation and told him that he was never to have contact with my daughter again. When things started getting heated, I interrupted and told him that we had written a letter to him that conveyed our feelings and how from this point on, we would not acknowledge that he existed. He responded with “She’s my daughter and you cannot keep me form seeing her.” The discussion started to get heated and we walked away as he stood yelling at us how this was unfair.

The letter told him that we believed my daughter and he was not to have any contact with her. We stated we would not acknowledge him in the future. We stated we were looking into her medical records for support of her statements. Well, he took the letter written to him and only for him and gave it to our middle daughter who then sent it to her older sister. We knew nothing of this until later that night when my middle daughter called my husband to talk to him. She was angry with us and felt we put her in the middle. The conversation was long and I could tell my husband felt attacked. When he got off the phone we discussed it all, and once again struggled with the emotions that now held us captive as we shook our heads in disbelief. The letter said nothing that we had not told my two older daughters in person. I was angry that the letter I had written to their dad and to him only, he used as an emotional weapon against us.

We were protecting my youngest daughter against a man who molested her and robbed her of all childhood innocence, and yet we were the ones being put on trial and having to give defense. I have asked myself in all of this, “How can I argue against the stand that he is innocent because he is ‘A Man of God’ who would never do this to his own child. The daughter who is viewed by his fellow members of the church of Christ as worse than a sinner for she is a believer who fell away from the grace of God. Of course he is innocent according to him, he has God on his side.” I can argue against it because I know the signs I missed that pointed to the abuse. I know the medical records that questioned abuse, but she denied at the time. I can argue against it, because I know this man behind the “Godly Man” mask for he was once my husband. I know….