It actually started yesterday. I woke up thinking about it. It hovered around me all day and at times it commanded my attention. At one point while sitting at my desk at work, wells formed in the bottom of my eyelids and I tried to keep from looking at those around me. It always hits me hard, but this year it started a day early.
Now today is the day. Four years ago today it took place. Images flash in my mind as emotions travel like waves on the shore. I often wonder what it is like for my daughter. I never bring this day up to her nor ask her about it. I just pray she has put this day out of her mind for now and it is like any other day. It is not her revelation about the sexual abuse that I worry about. We are all dealing with it and talk about it. It is her attempt at taking her life that I hope she has set aside.
I cannot erase the images of her on the floor with cuts in her arms and blood smeared on the carpet. I cannot erase her screams when she opened her eyes to see the medics helping her and when they carried her out to the ambulance. I still hear her voice demanding that she be left alone to die. This is what haunts me.
Each year on this date, I play Sarah McLachlan’s song “Angel” and sing along while I cry. It was the song playing when we found her. On this day I mourn for the innocence lost and worry that some day she might get into such a dark place again that she will try to end her life again. Then I play “Answer” and sing the lyrics with conviction:
I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can’t look down
If it takes my whole life
I won’t break, I won’t bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You’ll still be burning so bright
I dedicate the song to my daughter. May she always know and feel my support and love. May her light shine long past mine.
