It is a new year and there will not be any more secrets. I am planning on divulging to my two oldest daughters more details that connect my ex-husband to the abuse of my youngest daughter. In the beginning I told them some of the connections and stated these connections provided enough facts to validate my daughter’s revelation about the abuse.
Right now they believe their dad based on his denial of the accusation and because he is a “Godly Man.” They also make their lack of full belief on the basis that they do not remember it happening. I realized that I cannot fight the “Godly Man” stand, but I can bring up evidence to help them realize they may not have memories, but there is evidence that substantiate that it did take place.
As I dwell on this, I wonder if there are others out their whose families are split like mine with siblings not believing in the victim. Are you out there? How do siblings decide what to believe? Are there mothers who believe that their child was abused and have to handle the other children not believing? How do you manage this? How do you balance them?
Is there any advice for not keeping secrets and getting harmony in a family split by the horrors of childhood sexual abuse…
I just ran across your blog today. I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I belong to various on-line support groups for non-offending parents and also have recently started my own. I have seen sooo many families torn apart by CSA. Often somebody doesn’t believe, or doesn’t want to take sides. The important thing is that YOU believed. That is what your daughter needed. Even at the age of 23 you still want your mother’s support and comfort. You have given this to her! That makes you an amazing MOM!!! You would be surprised at how often the mother doesn’t believe or does but won’t acknowledge it. I remember when my daughter disclosed to me. We immediately reported it to the police and were assigned an advocate. I remember a couple of days later, maybe it was a week, the advocate telling me that she wished all the parents reacted the way I did. She said my daughter was lucky to have me as a mom. So now I say that to you. Your daughter is LUCKY to have you as a mom!!!
I’m reading your blog today because I saw my child rapist father in law today at the house of one of his abused daughters. She has forgiven him and has a very close relationship with him and her mother.
My husband and I have been keeping our distance for the past year or so. I have decided not to engage with my father -in-law because he disgusts me. I can’t look him in the eye.
I also find it difficult being around the family en mass because I just do not understand their family dynamics.
My husband’s family is split.
The abused daughters tolerate and seem to have a relationship with the father. The non-abused sons do too. Only one of the abused daughter seems to have a reluctant relationship with them.
Have you watched the movie Doubt?
I saw it and one line made me think of my father-in-law.
“Where is your compassion?” the priest asks.
“No where where you can get to it,” is the nun’s reply.
My father in law has used the same line with me. He plays victim and reminds me that God has forgiven him.
As children we are brought up to believe that we must fix things. That there is a solution to everything. But as we get older, we realise that sometimes you just live with the mess and things do not get better or easier. You just come to a new sense of normality.
Your daughter, and the rest of your family, is lucky to have you as a mother because you are making life easier for others in your family by taking this stand.
My husband’s family is a mess. There are so many secrets and lies.