Each moment is a breath and each day is a step towards healing. Struggling to survive and handle the tragedy plunged upon us. As I read the recent comments by other mothers who like me bear the ever gaping wound of knowing our daughters were abused, I am deeply touched. Your stories provide support and they help let others know that this horrible crime goes on every moment of every day and not all mothers know it is happening.
We are the non-offending parents who thought we were protecting our children, and never dreamed or knew of the dark secrets our daughters were forced to keep hidden in their heart. This dark secret never lets go of their heart even after they reveal it to others. When they let it out, it takes a hold of their soul and ours as their mothers as well.
Keep telling your story. For each story told and shared, builds a connection and hopefully helps in the healing and dealing of this tragedy that grips our lives. Furthermore, our stories help others realize that this awful crime of childhood sexual abuse and incest knows no borders or no boundaries. It can happen to someone they know and love just as easily as it happened to those we love.
Peace to you. I read your blog and my heart was moved. Your story and your daughter’s experience is what the How to Jump From a Ferris Wheel and Land on Your Feet series is all about.
Women sharing chapters from their lives where they went through adversity and manage to stand on their feet…. we empower others!
I invite you and/or your daughter – or anyone that you know who has overcome adversity – to share a chapter in an upcoming volume.
Please email me at candalysepublishing@gmail.com
Abundant gratitude. Hold onto hope and faith.
Miriam “Mimi” Jacobs
Founder & CEO of Candalyse Publishing
“Mother Blame” is something many people do not understand in society, as mothers are continuously blamed for “not paying close enough attention” to their children, or are deemed to be “negligent mothers” etc when hearing of stories that a child has been sexually abused.
My son was sexually abused by a church minister, while in church. How many parents take their children to church and place them in a separate Sunday School class, apart from where the parents are? Many.
Children are sexually abused by family members, perhaps while the mother is asleep at night, or at work. Should non-offending mothers be blamed as negligent in such cases? Should mothers not sleep, work, clean house or much of anything else except attach a “ball and chain” to their children until their 18th birthday to prevent any chance of abuse?
Many people in society are quick to blame mothers saying, Where was the mother?! or, The mother was obviously not paying close enough attention to her child. Or even worse, claims that the mother “must have known it was going on” and did nothing to stop it.
My heart goes out to you and your daughter. You are not responsible or to blame for what was done to your child. Mother blame must stop, and society must realize the need to provide support and encouragement to mothers of sexually abused children.
How DARE you try to justify yourself! If that is how you sleep at night, if that is the only way you can stop your guilt, then you are NO MOTHER AND NO PROTECTOR. All caretakers must hold themselves accountable. I read in another place that one women said her husband was violent torwards her, and so he went to her daughter instead. YOU DON’T STAY WITH AN ABUSIVE MAN WHEN YOU HAVE A CHILD IN THE HOUSE.
Yes, when you have a child, that child comes first, before anything else in your life, before any of your needs.
SHAMELESS.
Zelda,
Thank you for your comment. I do want to clarify that I do not try and justify anything that has taken place. In no way is there a justification so I can sleep at night. I do hold myself accountable. I hope you have read enough of this blog to see that not all mothers know what is taking place. When it first came up by a Dr. when my daughter was younger (around 10), she denied it and he never reported it to the officials. He violated his legal obligation. I tried everything to get her to open up, but she remained locked up and revealed nothing. You cannot force someone to share/reveal. She needed to do it when she was ready deal with it and ready to accept it. Denial is a huge safety net for surviving the every day.
I would have left in a heartbeat and pursued charges if I had known about the abuse. I live everyday with the guilt, the pain and the worry.
As for staying with an abusive man with a child in the house, it is easy to say and see as an outsider. I did not realize the emotional/mental abuse I was going through until I left him and someone else pointed it out. I left him before my daughter made her revelation. Getting out of an abusive situation seems easy, but there are as many factors as there are stars in the sky and as an outsider, we do not know them.
You sound very angry and hurt. Perhaps you could share more of where you are coming from so we can better understand your statements.
The vicitms never seem to end. My wife was molested as a child by her father and her life was preprogrammed. The sexual compulsions, shame, desperate search for freedom that she never finds. She has left me alone with our two sons. She returned to the home of her abuser. She is in denial over the abuse. Her father is a deacon and former elder in the church of christ. I turned him in. He has been reported before and got away with it. He has continued raping children. He has 2 young daughters (10 and 12) who have now molested my sons (4 and 7) after my wife moved back to her parents. Now my 4 year old is inappropriately touching boys at school. I love my wife and have tried to get her help and have been willing to forgive her for all of the men but she has checked out as a wife and mother. Now when my children cry at night and say “I don’t have a mommy” or wake up hyperventalating afraid they have been abandoned I get angry at her and then realize it is his fault.
Thank you for sharing your story. I gasped as I read it and my eyes filled with tears. You are the first to share the connection with the “church of Christ.” Your children and blessed to have you in their life. It is his fault.
I made a video about my childhood. If you look in my youtube channel, you’ll see another video about the aftermath.
Arielssolace.org is about just this, it is a in the infancy stages as far as an organizaton is concerned – but The focus is the mothers of incest victim, and sometimes they too are survivors themselves. But the issues of the mother are very much more complex then one can imagine. depending on what point the disclosure is made –
I am a mother of two Survivors of incest – one disclosed the abuse when she was young – and I fought the battle to protect them as best as I could and then my 21 year old just began to remember – brings a different level of pain –
I too beleive that this is somethign we as mothers – protectors – secondary victims need to talk about and not many people can handle our realties.
Arielssolace.org will have a members only forum for just that purpose check it out and please join us.