To deny is to survive. She knows it well because for years she denied it in her own head to survive. Then when she remembered, she kept it a secret and denied it to others. When she finally revealed her secret, then her sisters denied it ever happened. They do this to allow themselves to go about their every day lives. It is their way of surviving. If she finds out that they do not believe her, she will fall apart. Deep down they know this and so they keep their disbelief as a secret from her. The odd part is that they know they are keeping a secret that will destroy her, but they cannot understand why she kept her secret all these years. They need to search their own reasons for in doing so, they will gain a better understanding of her. The reason–to survive.
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We are three years out now, since two of my four girls came forward with their experiences of abuse by their father. I had left him before I knew, although I had suspicions. A good Christian man, is how others see him. A loving and devoted father. All the while he immersed himself in internet porn and played psychological games with me. It was hard to catch, as he was a master of deceit, but a wife knows. I was taught that marriage was forever and God hates divorce. But I got up the courage when I realized things were never going to change and in a way I had been cheated on many many times. Plus, my second girl was showing serious signs of distress. My motherly instinct was kicking in and I knew we had to get far away. When they felt safe, the revelations came out. My heart was broken and in shock. I too know the feeling of bearing the load, all the emotional trauma, the overwhelming responsibility to see them all to adulthood, hopefully whole, healed and stronger. I have been there through the nightmares, the anxiety attacks, the fears, the anger and the confusion. Where has he been? Apparently living his life, free as a bird, hiding and hoping it never comes out. We have been to the police and we have been to the highest authorities in the state where he lives. Still no one has made an arrest or gathered a grand jury. As for the devoted father? He filed for a change of custody, giving me full custody with no visitation or contact if I would waive child support. I signed that paper in a heartbeat! Some devoted father, though, right? It is the move of a coward, in hiding. I don’t know if justice will ever be served in this lifetime. It is a travesty of our system. But I do know that God will not be mocked…for what a man sows, this he shall also reap. I would love to talk to others who have or are going thru something like this.
Thank you for sharing. Our stories travel bits and pieces of the same road. Not one we have chosen, but one we now find ourselves navigating to survive and live.
Together we as mothers can make a difference by sharing our stories, our experiences, and our collective knowledge. I hope others will write and share as well.
Thank you again for your light and hope! I needed it!
Dear Momstrongertoday,
Your story is amazingly similar to mine. Tonight after a phone call from my daughter I found Alice’s weblog and posted a reply to one of Alice’s postings. I am having a huge episode of grief and despair, so I don’t feel I have the strength to write more tonight, but will definitely come back when I feel I am able to post so you will hear from someone who has gone through something like you have, as you said you wished to.
I am a little stronger tonight, and feel I can write a little about my story although I found myself today still weepy at the slightest trigger. This morning it was a song I heard on the radio. Fortunately that was on the way to a visit with my therapist, so I got some good support and help today. I did not know about the physical and sexual abuse that had occurred in our immediate family and extended family until six years after I had left my husband, when my daughter revealed it to me. He held positions of leadership in the church, but I do not believe he met the qualifications outlined in the Bible of a leader. My children speak with great pain and anger about the emotional abuse they experienced in church, how they dreaded the week-ends and resented his religiosity since he was whispering hurtful things to them at what should have been a joyful weekly time of worship. Of course I knew about the verbal, emotional and psychological abuse because I was experiencing it too. I spent a lot of time hiding under the comforter in the bedroom sobbing. I can’t rationally explain why it took so long for me to finally leave, but then abuse is not rational. I do have a strong belief in the sacredness of marriage and family. When he filed for divorce, I chose not to respond. By the time the dissolution decree came in the mail, I had been divorced for over a week and didn’t even know it. He had already been living with another woman. That was another way the children and I were emotionally abused. It was not the lack of financial support of the children that upset me as much as the ongoing emotional and psychological abuse they suffered. Over the course of these years of trying to recover, I have come to the conclusion that although divorce is not God’s plan, He must be even more hurt to see His precious children suffering abuse, something so alien to His heart of unconditional love. Surely He hates ongoing abuse more than divorce. I have the utmost confidence in God’s love for me and He is my protector and provider, and has never left or forsaken me, even in the times of my darkest despair. My now adult children are hurting and each in their own way is trying to find help for healing their terrible wounds. They are having profound relationship problems-one is extremely anxious about and avoids dating and the other has entered into relationships that are unhealthy including two that were downright abusive. My heart hurts for and with them, and it is their painful attempts to launch into independent adulthood that is so difficult to observe. But I know I must never even appear to be trying to control their lives, knowing first hand how horrendous it is when someone is doing that to you. I too, have been with my children listening to their words of anger (and have had to listen to them express anger toward me), I’ve heard accounts of their nightmares, witnessed their anxiety attacks and profound depressive episodes, and we have cried together. I am trying to come to terms with the realization that we are most likely always going to be dealing with this tragedy. I do really appreciate this venue for connecting with other mothers. It has been a great source of comfort to me these past few days.