An Update: Understanding and Healing Grow

It has been awhile since I have written. So much has been going on in our lives. Often the lull of everyday living takes over and the memories move to the back of the mind. No matter how far back the memories get pushed though, they rise again and fear holds on.

In December as holiday preparations took place the creeped in as the two sisters (my youngest and oldest) would be together for the first time since harsh words over belief and disbelief flew between them. The invite to everyone for Christmas Eve brought about a flurry of e-mails whether one wanted the other there etc. In the end they both showed up. The youngest saw and held the niece born six months earlier that she had not seen. The two exchanged gifts and the first step in healing started. This healing has continued as they have become friends on Facebook and agreed to meet to talk more. My heart rejoices for their compassion and understanding for each other.

Since the holidays I have served as support to others with health issues. On Monday I had to leave work early to take my youngest to the Emergency Room for a pain in her side. Nine hours later, she went home with medication and orders to rest. She is better now. The very next day found me in the Emergency Room at the VA with my husband. He had a severe reaction to a new medication. He is better too and off all new medication for his seizures.

Even though those two are doing better, my level of stress and worrying has not been lifted. My oldest starting not feeling well and ended up in the doctor’s office. I could read in her words and hear in her voice the concern, fear and worry of the illness. Twelve years ago she was diagnosed with cancer in her tongue and although she has been clear since her operation in March of 1998, the fear always lingers. Now with this illness that seemed to involve a nerve in her lower body, the fear raised its head. I have slept very little, worried a lot and cried at the drop of a hat. We are still waiting for more answers. Blood tests came back normal and the ultrasound found an issue that may (or may not) be the reason for the problem. Her attitude has improved and the worry of the big “C” returning seems to pushed back a bit in her mind, but for me it will not go away.

I worry about my family and my girls. They are all so special and now they are starting to heal. They are starting to have a new perspective on things. My middle daughter who is healthy and expecting her third child this spring, has left the “church of Christ” and developed a peace and love that only can come from not only having faith, but in walking it in your heart. Her decision to leave the church brought about a division between her and her dad (and his new wife). She supports both her sisters and wants nothing more than to have them reconciled and together.  Furthermore, she supports me and understands why I had to leave her dad and why I believe her little sister about the sexual abuse. She recently wrote her older sister and mentioned the negative things that took place in our family because of her dad’s desire to keep up the façade of a strong, christian family. She sees a lot now and more importantly she came to these revelations on her own.

I am going to close for now with this entry, but I hope to be back a bit more than in the past. I still deal daily with the sorrow and pain of being a mom who did not know that her child was sexually abused by her dad. I still worry about other mothers who are out ther. I still hope they will share their stories and together we can all grow and heal. Most of all, I wish every day I could go back and stop it from happening… not only for my daughter, but for all children…. A dream worth dreaming, a hope worth hoping, a healing most needed…

Crying Music and Happy Faces

The other day her phone call sent me to the bottom of the darkness. My heart ached for her, and wanted to reach through the phone and give her hug. I tried with my words to keep her calm, to let her know she was loved, and to let her know she is never alone. She calmed down, but after we hung up, I fell apart.

That night as I drove to pick up my husband, I played my favorite crying songs. Sarah MacLachlan’s Angel and Answer, along with Evanescence’s My Immortal. They played as loud as I could handle and I sang just as last. The tears streamed down and those passing by in the other cars just stared, but I needed it. I also knew I needed a “happy face.” It is drink at one of the local steak houses. So that night I had crying music and happy faces… Not your usual therapy, but it helped…

Spinning Worlds…

The world is spinning with no apparent exit. I search for a place to jump off, but even if I find it,  I get pulled back in.  My daughter is on an endless roller coaster ride of emotions and memories. The flashbacks have come back along with the nightmares. It is all brought back to her daily reality. This makes me worry and makes the world spin faster. I want to bring her some peace and take away the nightmares, but I cannot do it. It is not mine to do. I offer support and I worry as the world spins faster around us.

Does the world ever stop spinning? Do nightmares ever stop coming? I know the answer, but I keep hoping it not to be true…

Sliding Down into Darkness

The date passed and I did not even give it a thought. Things seemed to be going so well. Now, a month beyond that and I am sliding down into darkness. Fear invades my thoughts as I watch my daughter struggle with choices made and the past that raises its nasty head once again. She is struggling and as I watch from the sides, I present a smile and offer nothing but love and support. Deep inside I am crying, cussing and fighting just to breath…

Stirring Up the Muck…

I cannot believe she said it. No, I guess I can believe it. A comment made without thought to what was being said… that is what she does.

Who is she? My ex-mother-in-law. What did she say? She asked my middle daughter if my youngest daughter (her little sister) still says her dad molested her. When my daughter replied with yes, my ex-mother-in-law went on to ask/state how she wondered who put my youngest daughter up to saying that her dad molested her and how her mom (me) must have done it. My daughter told her that she did not want to talk about it.

I heard this directly from my middle daughter whose voice went teary as she told me what took place. It stirred up the muck that had settle for the last little bit. For the rest of the day the murky waters haunted me and brought back feelings I had not had to deal with for a while. Later in the day I slid down in the chair and cried. I did not cry for myself or over the words said, but for my youngest daughter who is not believed…

I can believe that she would say this as it is her son, but she should not have addressed it with my middle daughter. I further realized that once again my name, my life, my reputation has been slandered. When we were married, I was the blame for everything that was wrong or went wrong. After we split up it continued. Now I am the blame for my daughter stating that her dad molested her.

She has stirred up the muck… the waters are now murky… I am once again struggling to breathe…

Helpful Site for Survivors of Sexual Abuse…

I just found the site “Let Go…Let Peace Come In Foundation.”  It is for adult survivors of sexual abuse.  I did not know it existed. A great resource for anyone whose life has been touched by sexual abuse in anyway…

Mother’s Day: Reflect and Hope

This Mother’s Day held several surprises. Days before it arrived, I received cards and photos from my middle daughter. The words written, touched my heart. Then on the Thursday before, I received a text from my youngest about getting together on Sunday for an early lunch. I met with her and we had a lovely time at a local vegan restaurant. She also gave me a Calla lily and locket with a picture of her and my paternal grandmother inside. Back at my house I prepared dinner for my husband and my mother-in law. We had a nice visit and meal. I then called my mother and had a great visit. Next my oldest daughter called. She was joyful and had a gift for me. We met on Tuesday and she brought the boys with her. They gave me a photo in a frame that said Nana. Since that time I have reflected on how far things have come over the last year.

The oldest and the youngest are still fighting. The oldest does not believe that her little sister was molested by their dad. She is blunt in letting her know this. My youngest has called in tears over it all. For so many years my youngest held in what her dad did to her to protect her sisters and their relationship. Having a sister shut her out was her biggest fear and now it is fulfilled. I am still trying to work it out with both of them. I love them both. It is hard. I believe my youngest and am a bit saddened that my oldest daughter does not believe or support my youngest like I do. This mother’s day, I thought a lot on the two of them. Both treated me like a queen and I am glad my relationship with both improved over the last year.

This year, my middle daughter let me know that she has left the congregation where her dad attends and is meeting with a new congregation. She is no longer a conservative “church of Christ” member. She does not believe in corporal punishment for children nor does she believe in “earning her way to heaven” as is preached indirectly in her dad’s congregation. She is happier than I have seen her in years. I never talked badly about the church to them and still do not do so now. I did let her know that it was the church that wore down my faith and spirit and not the luring enticement of the world that led me away. I told her I was glad she was in a place where her spirituality and faith would grow. She understood what I was saying.

This mother’s day, the girls all let me know that they treasured me as their mom. It has been a long road to this point with many joys and tears. I am celebrating Mother’s day every day now in counting the wonderful blessings that each of my daughters are to my life. Someday I hope for a Mother’s Day with harmony between them all and belief in the statement that their dad was a “child molester, a sexual abuser” and that  he committed “incest” with his own daughter. I want them to believe it… For now I just reflect on the great gift I have been given in these three wonderful strong women I call my daughters…