Innocent Bear Punishment and Criminal is Rewarded

It was an innocent e-mail. It asked what day would work best for us to attend our grandson’s birthday celebration. She let her sister choose first and then planned two parties around this choice. Her sister chose Monday and we also chose Monday. It is our grandson’s birthday on Monday and we figured that would be the big party. We never heard when everyone else would be going, but this morning another e-mail came out and after reading it, I am once again torn apart.

On Monday she is having a picnic party in the town near their home. She is providing dinner and there will be cake. The invitations will be out soon, but she wanted us to have a heads up. Sounds nice right? Well, the only issue is this party is for just us. Yes, just us… those who believe my daughter and do not want to be around her dad. Everyone else will going on Sunday to a party at a farm near their home–the big party. Everyone meaning the other set of grandparents (my daughter’s in-laws), my middle daughter and their family (my two granddaughters) and her dad with his new wife. I am also under the impression that any friends etc. will be going on this day. It sounds like this is the big party and we are just the after thought with the Monday party.

I realize it is hard for my other two daughters. They are stuck between their sister and their dad. They try to please everyone and try to balance it all, but they fail to consider feelings of both sides. Their dad sees them on a regular basis at church and religious meetings etc. We do not see them as often because they are so busy at these events etc. He gets invited to the big party part and we have been invited only to the smaller celebrations or the leftover part of the party.

I just wish for once, they would set up a party with everyone but their dad and invite us. The numbers are 5 to 2. The five comes from myself, my husband, my mother in-law, my daughter, and her boyfriend who know and believe that my ex-husband is guilty of sexually abusing my daughter when she was younger. The two comes from my ex-husband and his wife who claim innocence. So the two get invited to the big things, get to socialize with everyone else and celebrate as if nothing ever happened. The five of us get the leftovers…

Right now I just want to say we cannot go, but I am bigger than that… I will swallow my tears, bury the hurt, put on a smile and go… It is not about us, but about our grandson celebrating his first year of life… Afterwards, I will sit in the car and cry…. as I am doing now….

Once again the innocent bear the punishment and the criminal is rewarded..

46 Years: The Secret Revealed

He molested most of his nieces and nephews. At 21 he molested his 5 year old niece. He made his niece touch him. She felt scared and ran out of her home. Then he raped her mom (his sister-in-law) in her own home while his brother at work. The family rushed him out of town and out of state after the rape—this included his own brother whose wife he had just raped and his daughter molested. Charges were filed for the rape, but no one knew about his sexual abuse of his niece except for her. The secret stayed hidden for many years as the children did not talk and the sister-in-law was hospitalized with supposed mental illness.

Eventually the niece and her little sister were put into foster care as the parents drank and spousal abuse and child neglect prevailed in the home. She stayed with her maternal grandmother and then with dad’s other brother and wife. They had six children of their own and after two years they felt they could not keep the girl and her little sister. She and her sister went to a foster home. It was in this home that the foster parents noticed the girl’s response to men and realized she had been sexually abused. They also noticed that her little sister did not display any signs of abuse. They gently worked on getting the girl to talk about it. It took many years and their hearts ached for this girl who they considered their own now. Eventually she opened to a social worker and her foster mother whom she now called “mother,” but to no one else.

Her birth father kept in contact with her as did his parents. She continued to see her six cousins and eventually when they were all adults the revelation came forth what this uncle did to all but two of them (the two youngest cousins). The uncle was now married and had a child of his own. The cousins, the girl and her little sister all had children of their own now too. One of the now adult cousins must have said something to the uncle, because he stopped coming to family events.

Then a couple of weeks ago, the girl received a call from her aunt that took care of her for a short while. The aunt told her that the uncle had died a few days before. The girl, now a grandmother, started to tell the aunt about the uncle. The aunt stopped her and with a shaking voice said she knew what happened and she was so sorry. Her second to the oldest son had just told her that the uncle had molested him, two of his brothers, his sister and some of his cousins, including the girl. He told her that the molestation did not affect his two youngest siblings (as sister and a brother) nor the girl’s little sister. She said she did not know until he told her. The girl could hear the ache and sorrow in the aunt’s voice. The aunt did not want to talk about it, but just kept saying she was sorry. The girl hung up the phone as silence hung in the room. Tears streaked down her face and she fought to breathe. She called her little sister to tell her.

The secret kept all those years–46 years for the girl–remained secret no more… the girl is my sister…

365 Days: Not a Full Circle, but an Endless Spiral

My grandsons birthday is approaching soon and it marks the beginning of the endless spiral of the last 365 days. You see, a year ago our family Dr. put my youngest daughter on anti-depressants and never checked the dosage. A year ago, as my oldest daughter was in labor, I was caught in the corner by my middle daughter and defended my youngest with the statement, “You do not know what has gone on between your sister and your dad, so be careful.”

This statement started the ball rolling as she would not let it go. I only could tell her that she would need to talk to her sister, but not to push for her sister has to be willing to tell as it cannot be forced. My middle daughter has a degree in psychology so she understood. The conversation continued as we waited for the arrival of the new little one until my youngest daughter arrived to see the new little one. We celebrated and did not talk about it again.

My youngest was not ready for the side effects of the anti-depressants and her levels were never checked. Her sister tried talking with her, but she was not ready to deal with it yet . So the secret remained just that until the pills took over life sending her down the spiral that almost took her life. The revelation of the rape of her childhood innocence by her dad came out at last and the spiral grew bigger in taking in other lives.

Each day for the past 365 days, has been a ride in a spiral not a circle. I would like to say a circle–a full circle– but, it is not so. It is a spiral where we sometimes go up and sometimes we slide down gently. For me the gentle slides are fewer than the express slide to the blues. Lately, the express has made less stops or else I have stopped getting on that route a little less.

My youngest daughter has grown a lot over the last 365 days. The medication no longer exists in her life and the highs and lows are back, but she is taking control of them rather than letting them take control of her. My grandson is starting to walk and begin his second year of life. As we celebrate his birthday soon, I will be celebrating that these last 365 days are behind me. The future is still in a spiral, but at least I feel there will be a future where there are less slides and more love.

365 days ahead…one step at a time….

Vacation: Reality Drifts In

For the last week, I have not touched a computer. For the first time since I purchased my laptop, I took a vacation without it. My husband planned a trip for the two of us to Disneyland. We wanted to go to this place where we both have childhood memories, but have never gone together. He wanted me to celebrate my birthday there and to get away for a bit to relax. It worked….

For 5 days we spent our days as free from schedules as we could and free from any electronic connections except a cell phone. I did not even carry a purse for those days. We relaxed, we laughed, and we often found ourselves in sentimental moods. For the first day, my birthday, all seemed right in the world and as the fireworks blasted over our heads, we gave thanks for the life we have built together.

Yet reality has a way of creeping into your life when you least expect it. On our second day, it drifted into ours and I am still having problems shaking it. Standing in line for a ride, I noticed an older man with a young girl. They looked like father and daughter. How nice I thought. As the sun sweltered down upon us, the young girl laid her head on his shoulder and chest. Then she reached up and nibbled on his neck. Shock set in for a moment as I asked myself what had I just witnessed. I tried to turn away and not watch. As the line inched forward, I saw it again. She not only nibbled on his neck, but she flirted, leaned into him, touched him and then kissed him. Shaken, I turned around to my husband. When I saw his face I knew he witnessed it too.

Emotions soared and plummeted as we tried to deal with what our eyes were taking in. My husband asked if she was older than she looked. I had to answer no. She had the body of a young adolescent, not one of a late age teenager or early adult. The man looked old enough to be her father or her grandfather. He was older than the two of us and she was definitely not 18, not even 16. As we wrestled with it, the ride operator cut off the line and they moved ahead. Fighting back emotion and tears, I just kept saying, “it is not right.”

When we arrived just short of the spot to board the ride, the operator asked for a group of two. We raised our hands, but then noticed we would be placed in the same car with the man and young girl. I asked the operator to please take someone else in line. She rolled her eyes and called out for the next group of two. The man and the young girl ignored us and soon they went off on the ride. We never saw them again.

For the rest of the trip, this situation bothered us. It still haunts me. Who was this young girl and why was she so affectionate to this man? Was he indeed her father? Was he just a man she knew? How old was she? Should we have said something? What was the right thing to do?

My Life: Until I …

Until my heart stops beating or my mind stops working, I will remember my daughter’s attempted suicide, the revelation that her dad sexually abused her, the dealing with her keeping this secret from me and the guilt that goes with it.

Until body gives out, I will deal with the demons that come with being the “non-offending parent.” I will beat myself up for not pushing harder for an answer when the first Doctor mentioned suspected sexual abuse.

Until I take my last breath, I will fight the sadness and darkness that plays peek-a-boo with my heart and soul. I will wake each morning to breathe in a new day on a journey of healing and hope.

Until the end of my time, I will fight the desire to run and hide. I will be there for my family with support, understanding, empathy and unconditional love.

Until…

Panic and Anxiety: Never dreamed . . .

I found myself lost and fighting inside. It was the end of school and during our last two days of staff meetings, one of our teachers was talking about giving children the power to say “no” to peers and others. I had to tune out because in my head I kept hearing a voice screaming that they need to be taught to say no to parents who sexually abuse them. I wanted to share this information, but not everyone there knows what has taken place and this was not the place to reveal it. So, I sat through the presentation.

Next we had to partner with someone and go in another room for an exercise in saying “no”–a role play exercise. I went in the room reluctantly and as the others matched up I found myself in an anxiety attack. I left as others entered and went back to the main meeting room. There I wore a path in the carpet as pools filled in my eyes. I had to tell myself to take a breath–one after another. I was shocked by my reaction and the fact that I fought to gain control of my emotions and panic.

When everyone returned to the room, they found me sitting quietly working on some paperwork. Some made jokes about my saying “no” to the exercise. Only the ones who know seemed to smile as if they understood. I never would have dreamed that something so little would have such a strong impact on me, but then again, I never would have dreamed that I would be the mother of child who was sexually abused by her dad.

It Never Goes Away

She’s 71 years of age, and she still recalls every detail as if it took place yesterday. She tried to forget. She tried to erase it, but it never goes away.

She told me how after it stopped, she set a date in her mind to forget it. First she chose 15, but when that magical age arrived, she could not shake it. She told herself that 18 would be the magic age. She told herself that when she turned 18, she would be an adult and old enough to finally put it all behind her. Her 18th birthday came and went, but the memories lingered.

The setting of dates/ages to forget continued throughout her life. There was 25 and the birth of her son. Then there was thirty. She just knew by 30 enough years would have passed so she could let go of it. Finally at 40 she realized it would never go away–the memories and the feelings would remain forever.

At 69, she finally felt comfortable enough, and safe enough to talk about it. Her own son, now grown and in his late forties, did not even know about it until this revelation. He confided to his wife, that he wished he did not know because it tears him apart. He said it was hard to know that this happened to his own mom. He felt helpless, mad, and lost.

She’s 71 years of age, and she still recalls every detail  of her grandfather molesting her when she was a young child. She remembers it as if it took place yesterday.